No, I am not..

When I was younger , I think I was young teen, I was taken to the hospital,  I don’t actually  remember for what. What I do remember though is the ER doctor interrogating me if I had been sexually active. I still remember him a bit- he was tall seemed to be east asian ( but by his accent likely raised in the USA) ,wearing the iconic classic white  lab coat doctors wear; he  came into the room and closed the room door on my left, my mom being outside. Time after time I let him know the answer was no. I remember him seeming a bit exacerbated like he was trying to get the confession out of me. Not like he was frustrated or angry but like he was just trying. But the answer was the same.Basically No, I am not having sex. I found it funny for him to not take it that I was not engaging in that.

Makes me think that perhaps he has probably seen his share or many cases where a teen comes in sick, possibly due to an std or pregnancy, but the parents don’t know and find out there.

By the way this is not to boast about not having sex as a teen, to be honest no one was begging nor was I dating.

“If I Believe You…”

So weeks ago perhaps in January, I was scouring youtube for something interesting and came across a video with a guy placed against a funky backdrop. It was a music video for a song called “ Ugh!” by a band I’d never heard of or noticed before:The 1975. ..well.

I played the video. I was hooked.

The song sounded amazing to me; I played the video several more times and really got a kick out of it.

So this led me to listen to and watch other music videos by the group. I didn’t really like the other songs that much .Though there was one that was pretty amazing; something about it called ,”Is There Somebody Who CanWatch You” It is about his love for his younger brother. There’s more to the story; you can do a google search to find out.

But what I want to bring to your attention: I did some research on Matty (the singer of 1975). To be honest,

Of course coming from christian background, I was wanting to know what he believed. I was hoping he was a Christian; turns out he is atheist or agnostic.

Nevertheless,  there were several of his songs that spoke to my heart;They just released an album and I listened to clips.

Im sort of glad it does not sound too “rock” ish like other songs I have heard. Though sucks for people who would have like a more rock sound.

Anyway, interestingly enough I came across a song called “If I believe you”. I had listened to like seconds of it but must have quickly moved on. But today I actually listened to I think the whole clip and was somewhat surprised and an excited way to hear what he said in it

Here are the lyrics to the Full song:

I’ve got a God shaped hole that’s infected
And I’m petrified of being alone
It’s pathetic, I know

And I toss and I turn in my bed
It’s just like I lost my head (lost my head)

And if I believe you, would that make it stop?
If I told you I need you, is that what you want?
I’m broken and bleeding and begging for help
And I’m asking you Jesus, show yourself

I thought I’d met you once or twice but that was just because the dabs
Were nice and opening up my mind – showing me consciousness is primary
In the universe and I had a revelation

I’ll be your child if you insist
I mean, if it was you that made by body you probably shouldn’t have made
Me atheist
I’m a lesbian kiss
I’m an evangelist
And “If you don’t wanna go to hell then Miss, you better start
Selling this”

And if I believe you, would that make it stop?
If I told you I need you, is that what you want?
I’m broken and bleeding and begging for help
And I’m asking you Jesus, show yourself

If I’m lost, then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
Then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
Yeah, yeah

Okay so, I am so glad he put this out, like if I were to be honest recently I have had doubts about my faith and have heard different things that have cause me to wonder about who God is.

I’ve gotten confused and partly I should not believe everything I hear. Anyway despite all these I can’t deny events that have occurred experiences including things supernatural or out of the ordinary so to speak. I think about how people say they have inner knowing..

Anyway I can’t say I have not directly encountered God himself. Matty ( I am assuming Matty is relating his personal experience or perhaps the other band members feel similarly ) says how he said he thought he met God and/or  Jesus once or twice; I can relate to that a bit, like you know we’ve experienced something that in our hearts we know there is something special about it;Something awesome, sometimes other worldly yet I guess because our minds don’t get it, or understand it, or we don’t have or know yet the evidence to support it, we doubt, or think its caused by something else (insert scientific explanation) or perhaps its just fear. (By the way I want to reiterate,that science does not have all the answers if they did they would not constantly being doing research. ) But I guess we should remember perfect love casts out fear. So we should be search for perfect love.

To Matty( or others who feel similarly) ,

Matthew 7:7-11 ESV

“7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven  give good things to those who ask him!

I am on a similar journey ; nevertheless to be honest I could put more effort and diligence an attention and care to the treasure, the hope I so search for and desire to find. On top of that I literally have been given advice and counsel perhaps from God himself, Jesus and the Holy Spirit about things that could help me attain what I soo long for and desire, if I could just focus my attention on those things. I say I soo long for it but to be honest how  bad do I want it..? Thirst and hunger is a powerful motivator..

Anyway, I can testify about the counsel given me that the fruit ( results) of it seemed to be good; in other words: it works.

But my mind because it does not fit in to my current theology of how walking with God should look or christianity;  because I have learned to do things a certain way, considered the *right ways*; (I listened teaching and from i realized yep my theology is off; My understanding of who God is and how he operates seems twisted; perhaps a lot of agnostics or atheists have wrong theology about God and so see him in a wrong way..)

I wonder, I also got scared that what if I get it twisted the counsel given me? But again it comes back to doing those things that I know are okay that , things I can manage to do and perhaps as it seems promised , when I do those things, the truth will become so much clearer and brighter.

Anyway so as for me words I have been given are to slow down, set goals, and several other things. Perhaps one of the most important one given me is something or exactly like

“Whatever it is that you want, be small”

Basically believing receiving how valuable you are…being convinced of your value and worth..

that is like a door to so much more and that is connected to identity. Knowing who you really are.

“According to you’” by Orianthi, kind of helped me understand this concept. There is more to the topic of identity but I will stop there ( It’s VERY important though)

I wish Matty would seek to hear from God himself , for the answers he may seek, that is pretty much what I did, and He gave an abundance; now I just pray to not waste anymore time but actually implement what I can little by  little

Like I am literally like saying oh my God about just realizing how the fact of the matter is; several of the thingsif not all of the things I’ve heard God tell me to do, literally opened doors. and trust me most of them or nothing  like “laws” do this or that but are the way I see it consistent with what being led by the Spirit must be like; I don’t claim to know it all but I can claim that a lot of the things I was told to do when I did them, produced results that to me were amazing.

Case 1: I was told to forgive myself. Me based on bad understanding of how God operates ( bad theology) didn’t understand that; I guess I felt in ways I have been wrong I have to make restitution despite that fact that to do so is almost impossible and burdensome ( Matthew 11:28-30). I read a book on forgiving yourself ( see I have been thinking it is wrong to let myself off the hook) but in the is book they were like if you God tells you to do something and you don’t do it ; it’s a sin. So i was like I don’t want to be in sin against God :0 so I literally gained the ability to forgive myself; what occurred there was nothing short of a miracle, in those moments I had forgiven myself , I had gained the ability the strength to actually do something for my mom without it being hard or a pain, it was literally light (not heavy). I was floored and am floored right now as I even speak about it. Unfortunately to my dismay and upset; I somehow convinced myself that perhaps it was not God speaking or that I had to pay so to speak or make right make restitution for things I have done wrong or I felt I had to be perfect before I can be forgiven and not sin

again ( like I said twisted &&*$!& theology) So to darkness I went back again to. I let go of forgiving myself and with that, the ability, the strength I gained vanished too.

Case 2: I had a dreaming, a lady was preaching . The two things I remember were

1. She said without Jesus I would be a dead dog

2 That “You need to love YOU.” [like] Go and buy yourself a dress”

Also as I woke up or was quasi awake ( perhaps I had a dream I woke up from a dream and) I felt like my headwas in the lap of the Holy Spirit and he outlined my face with his finger slowly as he held my head with care. I feltI was being cared for. I woke up happy about what I had heard( yay! revelation.) So also after I was really feeling like loving accepting myself I went to a mirror and did as Joyce Meyer had talked of about going to mirror hugging myself saying “I love you” . I said it with oomph with life, strength, not flat and dull but with life and visor, and perhaps I’d think with faith. Can I tell you I felt in my mind something that had been foreign to my mind , even perhaps my heart, but especially my mind: quiet. That short period ( like 15 minutes) I had really found self acceptance, loving myself or having loved myself. Like sand settling into a jar of water , was the noise and scattering settling down within my mind …there was quiet. and in that quietness I heard what I believe was the Father speak. and His words the tone, timbre of HIs voice, how it sounded, oh my God, they left no room to doubt His care for you. I forgot what he said  perhaps he called my name. I also heard what I believe is was the Holy Spirit and someone and/or something else.So now that I think of it; that was like another way for me to hear Him for myself.

Now that I think about it perhaps my mind and maybe heart because it was quiet. For on more than one occasion; I can remember two other occasions I heard perhaps the Holy Spirit ( ok this sounds weird but its like there was someone else with the Holy Spirit not sure .. ) anyway it wasn’t anything weird. the other two I was tryin my best to be good and submissive towards my mom um …so there was less tensison drama and I was more quiete in my mind….

there was also one time I was just in awe of a song called “Wanna Go” by Grace Williams and at the end of it my mind had quieted and I ws just sitting in slience and I guess of what I heard..she seemed to really glorify God with that..and I heard “I’m here”  really fast..I may post more about that later.

Hmm…analogy of legalism?

So I came across this post by an author awhile back but it really…today it spoke to me in spiritual sense:

Head-First Writing Falls Flat

In the first month of my creative writing Masters, both my tutors told me that I wrote too much from the head. I’d gotten all the technical stuff right – I could construct a plot, write good dialogue, and so on – but there was no heart behind my short stories.They were right. I was trying to follow all the rules, but I didn’t really care about what I wrote.The same thing happens to a lot of online business owners. We tend to get caught up trying to get things perfect … but this results in copy that’s either bland or trying too hard. There’s no real energy or excitement behind our words. So we fake it by throwing in lots of extra adjectives and exclamation marks.Yes, the technicalities of writing are important. If your sales page is poorly constructed and riddled with grammatical errors, you’re going to put people off. But when you sit down to write your first draft, you want to use your heart, not your head*

It came to me how perhaps some  people can be following the rules so to speak but inside there are empty. its not coming from the heart, its lifeless.  Again the author elsewhere writes:

I know ittough to reach deep and put your heart on the page. Every single time I write something that seems a bit too close to home, I’m reluctant to hit “publish”. But when I do, I’m always overwhelmed by the positive response from readers.Don’t be afraid to follow your heart. That blog post about something dear to you will touch others. That section of your ebook where you confess your own hang-ups will help people. That sales page which is honest and forthright will reach your ideal customer.I’m no braver than you. But I ditched those short stories three years ago, and spent the rest of my Master’s degree working on a novel – something I really wanted to read. I ditched my first blog that was all about trying to make money, and started a real business around what I love – writing.” *

So this reminds me how if as a Christian, how do expect to really touch peoples heart and perhaps inspire change if you are not doing the love walk out of your heart?  if the love is not sincere…?

*from here :