She didn’t want it.

That one act of rejection,  opened up pandora’s box. the question the realizations , the awareness of my actions and those around me , and the effect , the undercurrent that it is causing  these effects to occur.

On Mother’s day, I reluctantly handed  mom a mother’s day card. I perhaps signed it saying Happy mothers day. Earlier that morning I had debated whether I should give it to her without a gift, due to lack of preparation, forethought  and concern as I was preoccupied with or engaged with other things in my life. I had not gotten mothers day gift prior to the big day. I figured I could get her something later that same day after work.

I half scared said Happy’s mother’s day. She was like,”What is that?” I sais something like it  was like a card.

Long story short. She didn’t accept it. The day before that, she had talked about  how a neighboring family were going to go out twice that day to eat for mothers day. I guess she felt not respected and I could see how that would upset her. Her children, myself included did not really plan anything special for her. I guess in essence we sold her short.  We didn’t give her the best.our best.

I remember being held like in daze driving to work after the rejection. I thought of many things.

1. My birthday. I recently turned 30 in April. Thirty to me is a milestone birthday. Im not really young young per se. I sort of come closer and think about mortality and aging. It hasn’t been the easiest to deal with ( I know I should be grateful though … ). To make matters works though I didn’t celebrate it with friends. My brothers said a measly happy birthday and moved on with their lives They devoted perhaps 30 seconds no more no less to celebrating a rite of passage that was incredibly important to me. They didn’t give me perhaps what I was worth .  They didn’t; give me there best. They didn’t show I was worth it. Which leads to next point

2. Giving your best.  How could we have given our best to her? Obviously we could have giver her expensive gifts, money and taken her out to brunch. We could have honored her. We aren’t rich but with little planning and respect we could have done our best. But we didn’t we I guess our more thinking about concerned with out lives and “making it”.  Little did they know that working together perhaps we could have made it… Anyway GiIving your best relates to next point

3. Cain and Abel offering.

Genesis 4:3-7 ESV
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted?[b] And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to[c] you, but you must rule over it.”

If you are familiar with the story of Cain and Abel offering sacrifices to God you then know that Abel’s was accepted whilst Cains was not. From what I remember, one  learning lesson to get from it is apparently Abel gave his best, while Cain did not it. It’s like being given the best aged steak with fine wine, compared to giving some vegetables that were left over after dinner. You get the drift. I felt a little like I didn’t give my best  and my gift was not accepted which left me a bit unhappy. But then if I were honest, due to the lack of respect, acknowledgement time or devotion that my birthday got, I understood why she didn’t accept my card.

4. Reminds me of being hot or cold for Jesus ( Revelations 3:15-17). Perhaps it would have been better I had not given her a card, or that my brother’s just straight up ignored or refused to acknowledge my birthday then to have given a one line happy “obligatory” happy birthday to be nice  and “respectable” which to be honest really lacks respect honor and worth. Reminds me of book Culture of honor. I haven’t read it but perhaps the book may deal with similar issue?

I blame or moan about others lack of respect, I myself have done the same. Something needs to change inside.

As I learned recently in a small group meeting, giving is a heart matter. The widow and two mites. The woman pouring  and using expensive perfume on Jesus.

This also reminds me of the concept of”dead works” in scripture. ( which I don’t fully get but may have an idea of what it means).  Fervency, passion and zeal or signs of love, respect and honor. Without that you get coldness or half -baked, half hearted attempts at “love” ..and who wants that?

All in all it reminds me when we are doing something for someone perhaps the rule could be if you can’t do your best or give your all , don’t do it all? shrugs.   Who wants a half hearted attempt; it’s basically like trash, it lacks strength, and respect.


I knew without a doubt he was the one…

So  saw a clip on youtube from the The Real Daytime..

and here Adrienne talks about how you know without a doubt, in your gut and with peace when someone is the one ( eg. and aka husband).

So I’m like for real..when have I ever felt that way about anything…
So as usual I go online looking for answers typing “I knew without a doubt he was the one” (with the quotes)

interestingly I came across some two comments on here
about how when they know someone was the one.. interestingly enough its when they are really enjoying being themselves…It’s like a moment.. they were singing to a song..they were dancing at a concert.

funny I did one of ten sketch thumbnails  about what love is for a valentines day assignment  and one of the thumbnails it was a couple dancing and they were  just the moment…its like time did not existence..they were just being..
so perhaps intuitively (and well I’ve watched and read a lot of stories about when people knew they were the one so maybe it came from that) that there may be truth to it.. experiencing moments like that when you know..  when you just know.

Update: I know that isn’t the one criteria or even a necessary criteria for finding a spouse, but it sure is a romantic and idealized look on love.



Turning 30


So I turned 30 in April. Unfortunately it didn’t go down as I ‘d like. I wasn’t showered with praise nor did I celebrate with a bunch of friends. I didn’t have a cake or gifts given. As a matter of fact to be honest I don’t really have anyone I feel is friend. At its rudimentary level I think friends are people you enjoy being, hanging out with. You spend time together,  hang out. Talk.

Anyway,  I was very unhappy.  To top it off , it was my thirtieth birthday. There was no party or epic celebration of me reaching my third decade on this earth. It brought about a lot of feelings; I was utterly sad and upset  I tried to cheer myself up. I searched albeit late,  like the afternoon of my birthday , for birthday freebies. I called up denny’s about their grandslam and sure enough it was free, I ended up going there.

The worst part is I guess I didn’t feel comfortable with the small group I’ve attended ( though I missed like two weeks) to reveal that to them. Most of them are young and to be honest I don’t feel compatible with them for one or more reasons. But that day of my birthday I had some reasons to go and decided to go. I literally did not tell them it was my birthday. I felt embarrassed ashamed, like a loser…that on my thirtieth birthday I was spending it with them . I wondered had they known it was my thirtieth bithday would they have thought, is something wrong with me, dont I have friends my age to celebrate party with, and to top it of thirty it like a milestone birthday for me so..

Anyway, so I learned in the end. through what someone posted on a website ( this isnt the exact thread I got it from but I misplaced or didn’t save the site where I first realized this)  that unless of course you are doing something that makes you popular or famous, most people wont care or remember your birthday, you have to advertise it and let them know or even plan a party yourself.

Anyway at Denny’s I saw a couple old white couple that had been together 72 years. Yes 70 years they were like 19 I think when they married. Anyway they talked to the waiter who was 23 year old young African American guy, about how they met, him fighting it seems like in I think it was the Korean war. How the young woman helped look out for if he was coming back ( I think they too turns listening on a radio)

There they were still breathing eating and living life. They seemed to be simple people ; there was something about them, that simplicity. Sometimes maybe we make life complicated. She decided to do nursing and he became I think an educator for many years.

Anyway hearing them and witnessing them still alive after all these years. It seemed like they lived a pretty good life. It helped me realize that life doesn’t have to be over at 30. It’s sort of tough I guess society or pop culture values youth and I guess I have also , I guess I attached value acceptance to being young. So once you are sort of leaving that bracket… In addition, I did not get to do a lot of things I would have liked to do in my twenties and to top it of worries.

I thought to myself God willing that could be me, thirty doesn’t have to be the end. Sure part of me thinks it sucks to get older but I mean there is still hope that you could live many years longer.  They are probably in their nineties and the husband used a walker. \