Fighting for my wellbeing..for life

So I’ve noticed…I’ve been taking jobs that aren’t fit for me…or at least I suck at pacing myself.

The issue is I kill myself trying to fulfill job expectations, even though it feels like Im dying trying to.

Today was my first full day of taking calls. I made mistakes. For sure. Also my calls were long. I was stumbling, flipping many times over my words. I was unsure of something and so that kind of was part of why the call was long. I had to get out of my seat and walk across the floor twice to ask questions.

The worst parts were the effect of my striving 1) ears and 2) my body was effected ( breathing). The program doesn’t really give much time to add notes. This job necessitates, constant multitasking.

But here’s the thing: I was counseled to slow down, and as I’ve researched over time what that entails doing.  Multitasking is not one of them.

My ears are ringing. I did notice at times when my ears were really sensitive.  Especially when I was waiting on hold to transfer a caller to another place, I could tell that listening to high  pitched sounds( from the hold music) that my ears were particularly sensitive to it.

To make things worse, I felt I could barely breathe, I’m trying so hard to meet their requirement or get up to their standard in a short time ( someone told those of us who are new only have perhaps about one week to stop using a setting that allows extra time to update notes) that I’m suffering. I could barely breathe, and was trying to catch my breath. At one point I felt my throat burn. This is  ri–diculous. Why do I allow myself to go through this? I guess I feel sort of helpless. They may not  be taking into account that growth takes time. Just look at nature and how plants grow with proper nutrition and environment they grow, but they dont usually grow up over night (there may be some plants are vines that do ? ) The fact is many things in nature as concerning growth take tiiiiiime.  It’s not an overnight thing.

I eventually or soon had to change the call setting to a status  usually used for bathroom breaks or emergencies that can be dealt with within 5 minutes, and went to the bathroom and attempt do take a break ( I did end up using the restroom anyway) neither that nor the 15 minute I took later was sufficient for the huge distress , toil and hardship my body worked to endure. I ended up leaving an hour later ( that one was partly my fault, had I dealt with the call an alternate way perhaps I could have left only thirty minutes later ?)

My mother told me I should just quit the job, that how can I be at a job that could cause permanent damage to my ear. She said if it was her she would leave.  I mean I guess Im scared or worried about the fact that I have expenses that needs to be paid just like most of everyone.  She says I should trust God but…well perhaps I just don’t have faith or am not adding works to my faith for anything to work or help.

I perhaps caused this in that I should’ve have told them early on. I should’ve have seen the issue that could have arose. I could have at least tried to get a dr. note  that could have helped move me to section where I just process applications mostly and have to call out sometimes ( compared to my position where I take calls most of the day).

But part of me was concerned about being honest, in that they would think of letting me go.  At a former job I was kind of honest like about things I didn’t understand or made mistakes about and that was perhaps part of why I was fired.  So I didn’t want to repeat that. Nevertheless, if I was completely honest I was acting like OCD or overly scrupulous with the last job I had. There was a lot of fear; I dont have a diagnosis of OCD , anxiety or anything like that to have given them about me though.

Anyway, I feel perhaps I’m not respecting or treasuring myself by continuing in a job like this. Or acting like I have worth? (Sorry to be honest for many people certain job positions are deemed respectable while other people look down on them, I’m not saying its ok) ..but this is mainly about respecting and loving myself enough to leave and to have faith that if I jump….)

Also if working this job,  it’s killing me to meet their supposed requirements, then common sense says I should do whats best for me in this case. ( btw just a disclaimer Im not sure the time period for which I should get up to their standard, but as I said before someone told me a week, after that they will start letting you know you what they want) Perhaps there are people that can take on a job like this; I’m likely not one of them. Part of me feels that the company or supervisors wanting the agents to meet their stringent ( imo) requirements, is not respecting people or the natural cycle or nature of person. To force them to work constantly and multitask like this is not how we are I was created to function. It’s like your’e not respecting the person is human being who needs periods of rest or lulls to refuel to thrive.  Again perhaps some other people can take this. for where I am now as a person with my unique struggles, knowledge and energy, it looks like this not what I can do at least for now..

Then again I guess society expects people to work constantly in their full time jobs. The fact of the matter is people are not constantly working anyway. At their office jobs we’ve all heard or are that person themselves who takes breaks or doesn’t  overwork themselves at work in the sense that they may for example surf the web, watch videos, be on  heir phone during  work time when they “expected” to being productive.  Little did they  know that’s probably why some or many are even able to get through an 8 hour work day and produce something of worth. Now I’m not saying that is for all jobs. Obviously not all jobs can one do that. In addition, if someone really loves their job maybe they don’t use company time for personal pleasure.  Unfortunately part of me worries about me being caught  not working when I should be…🤔

Anyway long story short, I guess I need to gather the courage and faith to leave. Please I’d appreciate your your prayers and counsel.  I could get a doctor’s note and see if they could transfer to the other section. But I see potential issues with that also, but none as horrible as permanent damage to my hearing.

Oh and there’s the medical insurance conundrum..

Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual.

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