Working on your ideas

So I really get obsessed with wanting to do things right and look perfect as concerning art…Like  with music production, I want to learn  everything there is or at least get an overview, a read through before doing something, delving into and working on a song. I guess I want to feel prepared,

abstract-background-beach-634548I mean it does help. I can’t lie but after you get I get at least a basic knowledge, shouldn’t I work on the ideas I’ve already been given and have. I think I have enough knowledge to carry them out.. .I can learn almost much working to carry out these goals. That’s one thing that can really help me now is practicing.


Evil Follows

I hate it when people follow you and then after you follow them, they unfollow you.


Yep, not on this ship- If I find you unfollow me , which is relatively easy, I will unfollow you. Its really just ugh for someone to do that. I mean I feel you are doing it just to get follows. Using me..


This I’ve noticed has happened twice to me recently.

I mean perhaps someone decides they don’t want to follow you later on based on preference ok I can understand that but its just very suspicious when soon after you follow them back,  you find they unfollowed you.

One of them was on facebook group for singer songwriters. So the guy posted his youtube channel on the group and said if you follow me I will follow you. Now seriously I was not about that life. I feel its fake and not true. But I went ahead and subbed him , after he showed a pic of him having subscribed to me.

It wasn’t long after, I saw he was no longer subscribed. I felt played..Like he was using me for his gain.

The second was on Soundcloud. Soon after I posted a song, the page followed me and me appreciating his gesture followed him. But soon after noticed it looks like he unfollowed so I unfollowed him. I guess I should also stop following people just because they were nice enough to follow me. I guess I should only follow if I really want to them to be a part of my awareness.

Again perhaps the facebook guy just really changed his mind and didnt like my song or channel content. ok . ( there is only two vids on there). But yeah anyway.


Thinking of quitting my job. No I’m not just thinking about it I really got to make a decision.

It’s hard for me to go back to my job each and every day.  I really don’t want to continue living this way. Its been hard  for me and I really need to rest.  like have a break. The only reason I go back is because of uncertainty not knowing if leaving will put me in bad position.. But then again I know I’m not necessarily performing great so..

Give yourself a Try-The 1975

So when I heard their new single  it was like uh.. ..its like I didn’t hate it but I did not love it. And I agree with what some people think that  kind of sounds the same throughout  the song…but * shrugs* its not like the worst thing in the song..

For some reason the chorus speaks to me a bit “Give yourself a try”  sounds kind of vulnerable to me.. like allow yourself to be.. let the real you  out being yourself..  give yourself a try …as long as you aren’t hurting someone I guess  just be..

Ok it may not be the message they are trying to give on this song but for mre and my journey where I am now..that’s what I feel

By the way, I know this sounds mean or weird but for some reason I like Matty but don’t seem to care for the others in the band ( no offense  intended)  to the point that he I feel kind of bad about that :/…  I guess I got interested in him and fascinated by him..and probably what really grabbed my his honesty ,transparency.. just being real.  However, I think the drummer (George Daniel)  produces for the band..hmm I guess I felt like Matty was exuding his essence through the music.. but if George is actually producing. ..Ok I am thinking way to deep into this….I know I remember reading, watching and/or hearing from an interview that each member basically with the instrument they use creates their own part for the song..Anyway long story short at the end of the day they make a great team when producing music.  With that I leave you with this quote from Matty:

“Cultivating our identity was just staying true to ourselves, and making whatever sounds we wanted – making whatever made us happy. There weren’t any rules.”  


Disclaimer: especially for christians. yes matty describes himself as an atheist. I don’t condone or promote atheism. Nevertheless I’ve gleaned stuff from Matty and the bands music that I think helps, supports me and make me feel warm.  Toodles.


Hot dog this post is a graphic designers worst nightmare

Good idea!

So recently I bought some private lessons ( four 30 minute sessions ) at a music school, to learn djing.  Ive noticed it’s easier  for me to learn with guidance of seasoned dj and I make better progress this way as opposed to trying to teach myself and set the pace myself.

I’ve been able mix several songs in row (beatmatching). Now mind you they were songs with intro edits, but then I’m a beginner and I guess it’s bit by bit that I will get better. The focus was just to beat match.I guess I need to work though on perhaps doing it more by ear then just depending on matching waveforms. Nevertheless, it great to see breakthrough in an area.  I also was not using headphones.

The thing is I may have to stop lessons for awhile. I was planning to try taking lessons to see how it would be. It turns out  it was a great idea! So, If  I had the money I probably continue for perhaps 3 -4 months total.  Talk about how much progress I would make! Now it’s like I’m ending it soon?

However, maybe I’ve learned enough to start of jump start the fruit-fullness of this. Maybe now that I’ve learned this basic skill maybe it won’t be so hard to do the other skills that make a dj great.

By the way I should get a laptop, and normal dj controllor ( I have  weGo3  which I guess is considered portable) but I guess my teacher seems to sort of hint-emphasize getting a normal dj controller ( well I guess he said said that’s like the next step up). Also he asked again this week if I brought my laptop ( I think he asked last week also), and I’m like no. So it seems those are two things I should get.



First. time. ev-er.

In the more than thirty years I have been alive , I have never seen or heard  nor can I remember schools shut down and offices close for the day because of high winds until……


I am in utter  shock and unbelief this is happened. I didn’t realize high winds could be serious weather condition. I mean I get tornadoes, hurricanes, but never in my life… I guess now it makes sense since hurricane and tornadoes have high wind speeds..

Also I remember seeing  or learning on tv that there are sandstorms in the Sahara desert or middle east . Picture like an Arab man in traditional clothing alone (or one of few) in the desert walking through, while he holds his head wrap (Agal and Keffiyeh *) and sands blows in his face and all around him, his garment flapping torrentially in the wind.

But its not too surprising that people were more cautious: These high winds are dangerous in that trees have been toppling and if you drive in it , the wind can push your car. Heck, as I was driving out this morning, I had to drive on the other side of the road for a moment to drive past -you know what, a topple tree.

I guess its obvious by now I still went to work today. Interestingly, enough the electricity was flickering at work and at one point cut off and back on real quickly.  Pretty much all the computers I would assume came off and or were restarted. Momentary shouts of surprise and utter glee erupted in there, many of my colleagues eager to have a  welcome respite from work as they waited to log back in. Interestingly, I was still online with a caller and unbeknownst to me she probably heard me talking about the electricity coming off and on.

Anyway, I actually got a note from a doctor to give my employer saying I should not use headphones in any capacity for about a month. Problem is…Long story short how will I be able to actually work, if I can’t use headphones for a month or at least until I can meet and ENT and or audiologist? ( which could be less than  month).  The only thing I can think of that I could possibly do is stuffing envelopes and even that was hard for me. I mean I feel like its awkward I mean it is call center..

I have to work through somethings concerning this..

By the way I’m doing a little better but I still feel like my body is being hurt working in this position, its hard to pace myself in it. Maybe I’m making excuses but then again I guess I feel I shouldn’t be there.

The positive thing ( I should be more positive) is that they pay decent for a call center ( I guess..?), I could get paid less elsewhere, so I feel they did well in that department…

I mean its not amazing but it’s not terrible.

Mmm this winds reminds me of perhaps the Holy Spirit..could this high winds mean something….?




Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual.



Fighting for my wellbeing..for life

So I’ve noticed…I’ve been taking jobs that aren’t fit for me…or at least I suck at pacing myself.

The issue is I kill myself trying to fulfill job expectations, even though it feels like Im dying trying to.

Today was my first full day of taking calls. I made mistakes. For sure. Also my calls were long. I was stumbling, flipping many times over my words. I was unsure of something and so that kind of was part of why the call was long. I had to get out of my seat and walk across the floor twice to ask questions.

The worst parts were the effect of my striving 1) ears and 2) my body was effected ( breathing). The program doesn’t really give much time to add notes. This job necessitates, constant multitasking.

But here’s the thing: I was counseled to slow down, and as I’ve researched over time what that entails doing.  Multitasking is not one of them.

My ears are ringing. I did notice at times when my ears were really sensitive.  Especially when I was waiting on hold to transfer a caller to another place, I could tell that listening to high  pitched sounds( from the hold music) that my ears were particularly sensitive to it.

To make things worse, I felt I could barely breathe, I’m trying so hard to meet their requirement or get up to their standard in a short time ( someone told those of us who are new only have perhaps about one week to stop using a setting that allows extra time to update notes) that I’m suffering. I could barely breathe, and was trying to catch my breath. At one point I felt my throat burn. This is  ri–diculous. Why do I allow myself to go through this? I guess I feel sort of helpless. They may not  be taking into account that growth takes time. Just look at nature and how plants grow with proper nutrition and environment they grow, but they dont usually grow up over night (there may be some plants are vines that do ? ) The fact is many things in nature as concerning growth take tiiiiiime.  It’s not an overnight thing.

I eventually or soon had to change the call setting to a status  usually used for bathroom breaks or emergencies that can be dealt with within 5 minutes, and went to the bathroom and attempt do take a break ( I did end up using the restroom anyway) neither that nor the 15 minute I took later was sufficient for the huge distress , toil and hardship my body worked to endure. I ended up leaving an hour later ( that one was partly my fault, had I dealt with the call an alternate way perhaps I could have left only thirty minutes later ?)

My mother told me I should just quit the job, that how can I be at a job that could cause permanent damage to my ear. She said if it was her she would leave.  I mean I guess Im scared or worried about the fact that I have expenses that needs to be paid just like most of everyone.  She says I should trust God but…well perhaps I just don’t have faith or am not adding works to my faith for anything to work or help.

I perhaps caused this in that I should’ve have told them early on. I should’ve have seen the issue that could have arose. I could have at least tried to get a dr. note  that could have helped move me to section where I just process applications mostly and have to call out sometimes ( compared to my position where I take calls most of the day).

But part of me was concerned about being honest, in that they would think of letting me go.  At a former job I was kind of honest like about things I didn’t understand or made mistakes about and that was perhaps part of why I was fired.  So I didn’t want to repeat that. Nevertheless, if I was completely honest I was acting like OCD or overly scrupulous with the last job I had. There was a lot of fear; I dont have a diagnosis of OCD , anxiety or anything like that to have given them about me though.

Anyway, I feel perhaps I’m not respecting or treasuring myself by continuing in a job like this. Or acting like I have worth? (Sorry to be honest for many people certain job positions are deemed respectable while other people look down on them, I’m not saying its ok) ..but this is mainly about respecting and loving myself enough to leave and to have faith that if I jump….)

Also if working this job,  it’s killing me to meet their supposed requirements, then common sense says I should do whats best for me in this case. ( btw just a disclaimer Im not sure the time period for which I should get up to their standard, but as I said before someone told me a week, after that they will start letting you know you what they want) Perhaps there are people that can take on a job like this; I’m likely not one of them. Part of me feels that the company or supervisors wanting the agents to meet their stringent ( imo) requirements, is not respecting people or the natural cycle or nature of person. To force them to work constantly and multitask like this is not how we are I was created to function. It’s like your’e not respecting the person is human being who needs periods of rest or lulls to refuel to thrive.  Again perhaps some other people can take this. for where I am now as a person with my unique struggles, knowledge and energy, it looks like this not what I can do at least for now..

Then again I guess society expects people to work constantly in their full time jobs. The fact of the matter is people are not constantly working anyway. At their office jobs we’ve all heard or are that person themselves who takes breaks or doesn’t  overwork themselves at work in the sense that they may for example surf the web, watch videos, be on  heir phone during  work time when they “expected” to being productive.  Little did they  know that’s probably why some or many are even able to get through an 8 hour work day and produce something of worth. Now I’m not saying that is for all jobs. Obviously not all jobs can one do that. In addition, if someone really loves their job maybe they don’t use company time for personal pleasure.  Unfortunately part of me worries about me being caught  not working when I should be…🤔

Anyway long story short, I guess I need to gather the courage and faith to leave. Please I’d appreciate your your prayers and counsel.  I could get a doctor’s note and see if they could transfer to the other section. But I see potential issues with that also, but none as horrible as permanent damage to my hearing.

Oh and there’s the medical insurance conundrum..

Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual.