She didn’t want it.

That one act of rejection,  opened up pandora’s box. the question the realizations , the awareness of my actions and those around me , and the effect , the undercurrent that it is causing  these effects to occur.

On Mother’s day, I reluctantly handed  mom a mother’s day card. I perhaps signed it saying Happy mothers day. Earlier that morning I had debated whether I should give it to her without a gift, due to lack of preparation, forethought  and concern as I was preoccupied with or engaged with other things in my life. I had not gotten mothers day gift prior to the big day. I figured I could get her something later that same day after work.

I half scared said Happy’s mother’s day. She was like,”What is that?” I sais something like it  was like a card.

Long story short. She didn’t accept it. The day before that, she had talked about  how a neighboring family were going to go out twice that day to eat for mothers day. I guess she felt not respected and I could see how that would upset her. Her children, myself included did not really plan anything special for her. I guess in essence we sold her short.  We didn’t give her the best.our best.

I remember being held like in daze driving to work after the rejection. I thought of many things.

1. My birthday. I recently turned 30 in April. Thirty to me is a milestone birthday. Im not really young young per se. I sort of come closer and think about mortality and aging. It hasn’t been the easiest to deal with ( I know I should be grateful though … ). To make matters works though I didn’t celebrate it with friends. My brothers said a measly happy birthday and moved on with their lives They devoted perhaps 30 seconds no more no less to celebrating a rite of passage that was incredibly important to me. They didn’t give me perhaps what I was worth .  They didn’t; give me there best. They didn’t show I was worth it. Which leads to next point

2. Giving your best.  How could we have given our best to her? Obviously we could have giver her expensive gifts, money and taken her out to brunch. We could have honored her. We aren’t rich but with little planning and respect we could have done our best. But we didn’t we I guess our more thinking about concerned with out lives and “making it”.  Little did they know that working together perhaps we could have made it… Anyway GiIving your best relates to next point

3. Cain and Abel offering.

Genesis 4:3-7 ESV
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted?[b] And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to[c] you, but you must rule over it.”

If you are familiar with the story of Cain and Abel offering sacrifices to God you then know that Abel’s was accepted whilst Cains was not. From what I remember, one  learning lesson to get from it is apparently Abel gave his best, while Cain did not it. It’s like being given the best aged steak with fine wine, compared to giving some vegetables that were left over after dinner. You get the drift. I felt a little like I didn’t give my best  and my gift was not accepted which left me a bit unhappy. But then if I were honest, due to the lack of respect, acknowledgement time or devotion that my birthday got, I understood why she didn’t accept my card.

4. Reminds me of being hot or cold for Jesus ( Revelations 3:15-17). Perhaps it would have been better I had not given her a card, or that my brother’s just straight up ignored or refused to acknowledge my birthday then to have given a one line happy “obligatory” happy birthday to be nice  and “respectable” which to be honest really lacks respect honor and worth. Reminds me of book Culture of honor. I haven’t read it but perhaps the book may deal with similar issue?

I blame or moan about others lack of respect, I myself have done the same. Something needs to change inside.

As I learned recently in a small group meeting, giving is a heart matter. The widow and two mites. The woman pouring  and using expensive perfume on Jesus.

This also reminds me of the concept of”dead works” in scripture. ( which I don’t fully get but may have an idea of what it means).  Fervency, passion and zeal or signs of love, respect and honor. Without that you get coldness or half -baked, half hearted attempts at “love” ..and who wants that?

All in all it reminds me when we are doing something for someone perhaps the rule could be if you can’t do your best or give your all , don’t do it all? shrugs.   Who wants a half hearted attempt; it’s basically like trash, it lacks strength, and respect.

I knew without a doubt he was the one…

So  saw a clip on youtube from the The Real Daytime..

and here Adrienne talks about how you know without a doubt, in your gut and with peace when someone is the one ( eg. and aka husband).

So I’m like for real..when have I ever felt that way about anything…
So as usual I go online looking for answers typing “I knew without a doubt he was the one” (with the quotes)

interestingly I came across some two comments on here
about how when they know someone was the one.. interestingly enough its when they are really enjoying being themselves…It’s like a moment.. they were singing to a song..they were dancing at a concert.

funny I did one of ten sketch thumbnails  about what love is for a valentines day assignment  and one of the thumbnails it was a couple dancing and they were  just the moment…its like time did not existence..they were just being..
so perhaps intuitively (and well I’ve watched and read a lot of stories about when people knew they were the one so maybe it came from that) that there may be truth to it.. experiencing moments like that when you know..  when you just know.

Update: I know that isn’t the one criteria or even a necessary criteria for finding a spouse, but it sure is a romantic and idealized look on love.



Turning 30


So I turned 30 in April. Unfortunately it didn’t go down as I ‘d like. I wasn’t showered with praise nor did I celebrate with a bunch of friends. I didn’t have a cake or gifts given. As a matter of fact to be honest I don’t really have anyone I feel is friend. At its rudimentary level I think friends are people you enjoy being, hanging out with. You spend time together,  hang out. Talk.

Anyway,  I was very unhappy.  To top it off , it was my thirtieth birthday. There was no party or epic celebration of me reaching my third decade on this earth. It brought about a lot of feelings; I was utterly sad and upset  I tried to cheer myself up. I searched albeit late,  like the afternoon of my birthday , for birthday freebies. I called up denny’s about their grandslam and sure enough it was free, I ended up going there.

The worst part is I guess I didn’t feel comfortable with the small group I’ve attended ( though I missed like two weeks) to reveal that to them. Most of them are young and to be honest I don’t feel compatible with them for one or more reasons. But that day of my birthday I had some reasons to go and decided to go. I literally did not tell them it was my birthday. I felt embarrassed ashamed, like a loser…that on my thirtieth birthday I was spending it with them . I wondered had they known it was my thirtieth bithday would they have thought, is something wrong with me, dont I have friends my age to celebrate party with, and to top it of thirty it like a milestone birthday for me so..

Anyway, so I learned in the end. through what someone posted on a website ( this isnt the exact thread I got it from but I misplaced or didn’t save the site where I first realized this)  that unless of course you are doing something that makes you popular or famous, most people wont care or remember your birthday, you have to advertise it and let them know or even plan a party yourself.

Anyway at Denny’s I saw a couple old white couple that had been together 72 years. Yes 70 years they were like 19 I think when they married. Anyway they talked to the waiter who was 23 year old young African American guy, about how they met, him fighting it seems like in I think it was the Korean war. How the young woman helped look out for if he was coming back ( I think they too turns listening on a radio)

There they were still breathing eating and living life. They seemed to be simple people ; there was something about them, that simplicity. Sometimes maybe we make life complicated. She decided to do nursing and he became I think an educator for many years.

Anyway hearing them and witnessing them still alive after all these years. It seemed like they lived a pretty good life. It helped me realize that life doesn’t have to be over at 30. It’s sort of tough I guess society or pop culture values youth and I guess I have also , I guess I attached value acceptance to being young. So once you are sort of leaving that bracket… In addition, I did not get to do a lot of things I would have liked to do in my twenties and to top it of worries.

I thought to myself God willing that could be me, thirty doesn’t have to be the end. Sure part of me thinks it sucks to get older but I mean there is still hope that you could live many years longer.  They are probably in their nineties and the husband used a walker. \









This  Facebook post talks about how a woman had *privileges* to help pay her debt of over $200,000 in loans. Typical of a post that can breed a biased opinion; parts of the article are copied and pasted to form a picture of “privileged” woman. After going to the full article and looking it over i came to the conclusion, that she was not as privileged as I thought. She had help no doubt, she made sacrifices. She educated herself and she made a plan. She was determined.
Reminds of this bible verse
Proverbs 6:6-8  ESV
6 Go to the ant, O sluggard;
    consider her ways, and be wise.
Without having any chief,
    officer, or ruler,
she prepares her bread in summer
    and gathers her food in harvest.well to be honest I read the article. I am not sure if this information was there before they edited, but its there now

the condo the mom bought was merely $13,000.
That is what I call a bargain. 13, thousand, dollars.
They live in an area where the cost of living is much lower. They ended up buying other condos for the second at $42,000 and third at $55,000 and rented those condos out too.
compared to the DC area that’s really a bargain.
to be honest she and her husband were wise.
Tips I get from this
1) have a job
2) move to place with lower cost of living/cheaper housing
3) Buy condos in the area and rent them out to get extra income
I didn’t get details about their budget; I’m wondering if she saved money to buy those condos? or if instead they saved for a down payment and thought/reasoned to prioritize getting rid of school debt first, knowing that with condos, renting them out you could get more continuous income from that.
Anyway bottom line the article says,
“She began educating herself on personal finance — particularly through the books of Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman — and started devising a plan to pay back her loans as quickly as possible.”*
So basically I and others with huge amount of debt, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to do exactly that. Educate yourself, read those books, and make and carry out a plan to reach the goal of eliminating debt. That’s probably how she ended up learning about renting out condos, and other things she did we weren’t made aware off ( her monthly budget, savings, etc.)
All in all a good example of self-determination.

She isn’t as privileged as I thought. She is very smart, wise, and determined.

*How one 31-year-old paid off $220,000 in student loans in 3 years
Emmie Martin –

Paying for a prophetic word..

( Mostly written months ago)

So .. I have been in desperate circumstances..I feel a mess and though I believe I have gotten guidance from the Father…it would really help if I got confirmation or guidance from others..

I am so desperate in need that I have been willing to do what year ago I ‘d never  want to do..I still don’t want to but I am sort of in a mess.

There is someone who is giving prophetic words at  price for about little over $22  I sort of trust the guy ( like I think he may give an accurate prophetic word from a likely good place) There is someone else giving words for $40 USD

I’m at the plank.  I literally have been for the most part living of school loans though I got a tax return which was helpful.

Nevertheless I am at a point where I have to make some make some major decisions, and perhaps something he may tell me may help. He says he has given prophetic words to people who when they told him they don’t have money to pay for one he’d give them away for free.


I used credit to pay for the word. The word did not resonate with with me. He offered to do another and or give me my money. I opted to get my credited back.  :/

I really have just go to get it together somehow ..get serious and intentional about …

-So I’ve learned or been taught that prophecy is suppose to confirm what is in your heart not be a replacement for a personal relationship with God, hearing him for yourself. (Shawn Bolz*). That understanding, made sense to me- sounds right.

*Bolz, Shawn. Translating God: Hearing God’s Voice for Yourself and the World Around You. ICreate Productions. Kindle Edition. I alsso saw part of teaching series on it.

5 Things I didn’t like about this concert..beware

I paid for a ticket where you have to stand up and if you get there early you can be front row so to speak. The reality is I didn’t get to the exact front and I experienced so much more..

yes at least I got the opportunity to see them live. They did to my knowledge play the songs I really wanted them to play. I met and talked with other fans. SO I am grateful for that  but I also have to acknowledge I paid for most of this other things..


I paid more than $100 for General Admission ticket to see a band to be

1 Squished like a sardine

Here is the thing,   though maybe that statement is an exaggeration, the fact of the matter is , it was not great or “comfortable”   how were packed in. I am fortunate, blessed that I am tall so I can see the stage or band  even though I am some yards into the crowd though.. But for real , it was difficult to be able to just lay your hands down to your side. and then you were kind of stuck in one place for like an hour and half before the show started. To top it off I went alone. I was not the only one that went alone though.

 2 Dehydrate myself

I didn’t see how how I could use the restroom  while in the center, without potentially losing my spot. The spot I waited so long to get in the first place. To top it of technically we weren’t suppose to bring drinks . Though there seemed to be of course a concession store in there.

3 Suffer Lower backpain having to stand for hours 

Again,  doors opened at 6:30 pm , show started at 8pm, the band didn’t even come out until 9 pm. yes, I have to be honest I was kind of like is this how a band treats its fans?  I may have actually came like at around 5pm.  So I had been standing for outside, but I had no idea the discomfort and burning pain that would await me as I stood there

4. Suffer having to hear loud music

Well I guess the onus is on me here. I chose to go there despite wanting to protect my hearing..I didn’t realize that not only was some of the music ( like  the bass guitars)  is loud, but  the shouts from other fans there. I did eventually put some ear plugs in though not sure if I put them in right but..yeah please protect you ears from hearing damage and for the love of God do not take that statement lightly. The medical community at large sites tinnitus as a permanent condition. (though I want to believe with faith in God it can be healed.

5 Barely hear the singer as fans surrounding me are singing along

To be honest I sang a bit, but I think I would have rather not and I guess I wanted to “fit in”

So with that being said

Again it was great opportunity to see a band , but boy did I get a uncomfortable  learning experience too.

It probably would have been smarter to have just paid for seat.. I didn’t know how the center looked like or how far the seats would be  or if I could have seen the singers from the seats. I am not sure.. Plus there is always this hope dream that you could see the singer especially if its a guy you like admire..perhaps eye contact..or yeah you get the gist ( don’t get any crude idea though-I don’t do hookups)

So of course I pay for General Admission tickets. Um you know , now thinking back on it, I didn’t really wonder or speculate how attending a concert that way would be. Now I know.

I’ve probably only attended two or three other “concerts”.  I’ve actually seen bands perform but it was like at school and it was more low key atmosphere.  There were seats, and perhaps tables I think.

I’ve literally paid to see a concert 2x.  the previous one was only like about $25 . and although I had to stand up , it wasn’t cramped.  I arrived  went to the area in front of the stage but there were plenty of people there already. There was balcony area to stand also. I went up there with my mom, boy was that a better choice. I could see the artist really well and was even able to record video from there. Plus it wasn’t cramped.

Perhaps concerts where the singers just sing track after track is not for me…Sure they talked some  ..but   this last concert. I felt like it was a bit rushed. and the front man..I was not really liking his vibe..if at all there was any there.. I mean I liked one song how he performed perhaps I like the vibe he gave for that one but the rest..( it was like few months back, I don’t remember all the details now.

Also this dude, like literally smoked a cigarette on stage…like I felt why is he doing that?  like he didn’t smoke it for long then he dropped or threw it down in the stage and stomped on it.  I…? Not imo.



(Above picture is not actual picture of concert I went to, but it’s kind of close to how it was.)


Ok so there is this guy I’m connected with via facebook.  The problem is 2 of the 3 times he has contacted me , its when he needs a ride.

He literally coincidentally messaged me like for the first time when I was really in a really  hard place in my mind and heart.  I  though wow maybe its God.

Unfortunately I bared my soul a bit letting him know stuff I have not dared post on facebook publicly. Just to be met with a well good night I ‘m tired, I was just asking around for a ride.( something like that)

I don’t live in California. I let him know that but he let me know after that response that via facebook, funds could be sent.

😑 n%^$&,  I barely even know you. I said something about how I am not in the position to help him financially.

I feel l after the second time he did that i’m just like what is wrong with you ??  I feel like nothing to you. It’s just not the way to treat people.

Hmm 🤔 now I wonder  who  if I have have treated someone that way..