I guess people know…

You think by not saying anything and keeping things to yourself people won’t know…
But people can pick up stuff. I guess it’s all in our nature, (well most of us) to pick up things about people that they don’t disclose openly.
I remember this guy I was talking to via onlin  picked up  things about me that are a bit shameful for me to reveal.
One of them he revealed in a question- Have you been on any dates?
I was thirty or 29 at that time. I guess something I emanated, showed or displayed clued him in that I may have never been on a date before.
To make matters worse a girl at my previous job asked me if I had a boyfriend or have I ever had a boyfriend ( I don’t remember exactly ) but I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to answer the question, so I dodged it. I said something assertive not letting her know.
I guess perhaps, I should’ve owned it and but been like cool about it chill about it. But wouldn’t that only be authentic to do if had willfully chosen to remain single all these years? I didn’t necessarily want or think by my age I would have never been on date. I have unfortunately been a late bloomer in more than one aspect. This being one of them.  The stage I am now is what people were going through in their teens in young adult years.. trying to find out who you are and what you want to in your life. I ‘m wanting break free..



What am I going to do


with my hair?

Right now it is natural ( like 4c hair), but damaged. due to not regularly moisturizing or attending to it  to due other things  vying for my attention and concern.

Right now it’s either straighten it,  which I kind of want to do ( likely with a relaxer ..maybe natural one? or salon).

However, I feel like I was give like a mini vision, like a word of knowledge ( maybe from the Holy Spirit) that to me was advice that I should do a certain kind of dreads.  But inside I can barely fathom doing that… One reason, I do not want to do that is due to the fact that once you get them although it is possible to undread it is very difficult to do so, plus I like having the option available to do more than one kind of hairstyle that may not include dreads.  Mainly,  I really have penchant to at just have smooth hair tied down with one band. I’m not sure what I was shown is accurate.  Obviously I could try doing dread but ..like I just don’t see how I could want them.

One of the reasons Im really getting serious about doing something with my hair is that at my age I guess I have to think about possibly meeting a spouse , my hair needs to be on point so that I’m free to at least post pictures online without fear. Maybe God willing , someone might care to know me more if they saw a good picture of me online.  Also for endeavors I might pursue professionally.  Also this may also have to do with my self-esteem.

Fact is, I want to keep my hair looking neat and presentable, and  for it not to me be so hard or so much energy to maintain it that way.  Regularly maintaining my natural 4b or 4c  hair hasn’t been something I’ve  done well.   For more than ten years I’ve been in this state and my hair has not grown . I’ve failed to really give it the care and attention it would need to be nourished and grow..and I’m just tired I guess of the style. For sometime now I constantly wear a wigs. Why am I scared..

Any advice? I need discernment.  I guess I need to stand on the promises in the Bible concerning His guidance in my life and soak on that.



So I quit my job


( this was like from draft I wrote soon after quitting  about two weeks ago)

Life got really crazy and I came to a brinking point. I had already weighed reasons for staying and reasons to leave.and by far the reasons to leave not only were more, but  a big reason for leaving was that it simply was not sustainable for me.  I don’t like or care for the job, and perhaps the way my mind is (I’m a bit meticulous)  being overly cautious about details can really slow a person down.

Anyway also learning point was: as time passed it became clearer and clearer to quit.

Now although I am not at that job, the fact of the matter i  I still have a bit of fear. So the concerns have changed from the effects of my work at this job to looking for how I can get income. I only saved some money and I really need to get another source of income. So unfortunately I’ve been applying to jobs in areas I don’t want to (biology). I mean I’ve heard the phrase:

“Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.”― Oprah Winfrey

but like is that really wise? I guess it depends on the situation. Say you want to be doctor well unfortunately the ride to that may be rough but because you want it, you’re willing to do it.

Recently I learned from this video that I need to love the process  so basically whatever it is that you want perhaps you need to find a way to like the “getting there”  part.  I watched a video on guys that learned piano on their own, and they way one did it was by learning songs he liked. Who knows how many people have given up on learning instruments because they were trying to learn it in a way that was not enjoyable.  By the way, one thing I don’t like about Gary Vee self awareness concept  is it could discourage some people into thinking they can’t be something( Ive felt that way..) They might think they are weak in an area or not fit for it when one thing it really could be is that they are inexperienced ,so  they lack confidence…  I guess ( and maybe Gary Vee has explained his concept of self awareness more clearly or in depth )  one should really try out something they’d like to do for a substantial amount of time to be able to judge if it’s something they’d want to do for a living.

Anyway back to the idea of me applying to jobs I don’t care for.  I guess I hate being a “wage slave”  but I do have school loan debt so basically it’s like a requirement for to seek have a full time job for a deferment or forbearance ( I forgot the details exactly).

So basically I’m just trying to figure out what to do now. I  thought about doing the Master’s of Music in Music Production, but it might be overkill for me. On the flip side, by the end of a year would have in a sense “mastered ” music production , but it comes as a cost, I would incur debt and I already have enough debt to buy a house (that’s another story for another time as to why I got into so much debt for majors I care little about). Also I don’t care to produce music for other artists but to make music and songs of my own. Plus again I don’t care to work for other artists so finding a job in the “music industry”  doesn’t appeal to me. Now yes I  can learn it on your own, yeah I  know. the issue is that I have not been great at self discipline, plus I have only like “finished ” one song this year. It is near the end of July.  I think being perfectionist , impatience and indecisive sare part of the reason why. I want to learn to produce, mix an master my  song/music.

Another option is an online course in graphic communication, since I’m in-state it would be cheaper. It might only be ~10,000-15,000  extra ( I already have a bachelors).  With this, maybe I could get a  “Regular ” job ( something to “fall back ” on). However , I may not be as passionate about this as I am about making my own songs  and or making music videos.

I’ve felt pressure to  be honorable and being able to provide for myself financially is respectable. Pursuing mastering music production  is not considered respectful but dumb to many. I mean well if you do end up being able to make living for yourself on it than ok, but as you are pursuing it and have not arrived there will be doubters and I guess there’s pressure to not be  a deadbeat…

An MS in music production, as far as I’m concerned is not a great degree for getting a job based on what Ive read online.

A BS in graphic communication perhaps I could get a job, but will it pay a lot?  not for entry level. Plus, I do not want to feel like a slave working, but perhaps maybe I could get a job hat doesn’t feel like slavery.

I guess at the end of the day if I don’t want to be a wage slave I need to work hard and wisely for self employment. But that may take a while to pull off and I really hate the idea of doing a biology job. So I may just consider to that BS in graphic communication …

By the way someone told me that I liked djing better than music production, I don’t see how that can be true tbh I don’t know if I care about djing. Perhaps though if I got more familiar with it I could..

In addition, I could dj to get some money…:/

Pray for wisdom



Working on your ideas

So I really get obsessed with wanting to do things right and look perfect as concerning art…Like  with music production, I want to learn  everything there is or at least get an overview, a read through before doing something, delving into and working on a song. I guess I want to feel prepared,

abstract-background-beach-634548I mean it does help. I can’t lie but after you get I get at least a basic knowledge, shouldn’t I work on the ideas I’ve already been given and have. I think I have enough knowledge to carry them out.. .I can learn almost much working to carry out these goals. That’s one thing that can really help me now is practicing.

Evil Follows

I hate it when people follow you and then after you follow them, they unfollow you.


Yep, not on this ship- If I find you unfollow me , which is relatively easy, I will unfollow you. Its really just ugh for someone to do that. I mean I feel you are doing it just to get follows. Using me..


This I’ve noticed has happened twice to me recently.

I mean perhaps someone decides they don’t want to follow you later on based on preference ok I can understand that but its just very suspicious when soon after you follow them back,  you find they unfollowed you.

One of them was on facebook group for singer songwriters. So the guy posted his youtube channel on the group and said if you follow me I will follow you. Now seriously I was not about that life. I feel its fake and not true. But I went ahead and subbed him , after he showed a pic of him having subscribed to me.

It wasn’t long after, I saw he was no longer subscribed. I felt played..Like he was using me for his gain.

The second was on Soundcloud. Soon after I posted a song, the page followed me and me appreciating his gesture followed him. But soon after noticed it looks like he unfollowed so I unfollowed him. I guess I should also stop following people just because they were nice enough to follow me. I guess I should only follow if I really want to them to be a part of my awareness.

Again perhaps the facebook guy just really changed his mind and didnt like my song or channel content. ok . ( there is only two vids on there). But yeah anyway.


Thinking of quitting my job. No I’m not just thinking about it I really got to make a decision.

It’s hard for me to go back to my job each and every day.  I really don’t want to continue living this way. Its been hard  for me and I really need to rest.  like have a break. The only reason I go back is because of uncertainty not knowing if leaving will put me in bad position.. But then again I know I’m not necessarily performing great so..

Give yourself a Try-The 1975

So when I heard their new single  it was like uh.. ..its like I didn’t hate it but I did not love it. And I agree with what some people think that  kind of sounds the same throughout  the song…but * shrugs* its not like the worst thing in the song..

For some reason the chorus speaks to me a bit “Give yourself a try”  sounds kind of vulnerable to me.. like allow yourself to be.. let the real you  out being yourself..  give yourself a try …as long as you aren’t hurting someone I guess  just be..

Ok it may not be the message they are trying to give on this song but for mre and my journey where I am now..that’s what I feel

By the way, I know this sounds mean or weird but for some reason I like Matty but don’t seem to care for the others in the band ( no offense  intended)  to the point that he I feel kind of bad about that :/…  I guess I got interested in him and fascinated by him..and probably what really grabbed my hand..is his honesty ,transparency.. just being real.  However, I think the drummer (George Daniel)  produces for the band..hmm I guess I felt like Matty was exuding his essence through the music.. but if George is actually producing. ..Ok I am thinking way to deep into this….I know I remember reading, watching and/or hearing from an interview that each member basically with the instrument they use creates their own part for the song..Anyway long story short at the end of the day they make a great team when producing music.  With that I leave you with this quote from Matty:

“Cultivating our identity was just staying true to ourselves, and making whatever sounds we wanted – making whatever made us happy. There weren’t any rules.”  


Disclaimer: especially for christians. yes matty describes himself as an atheist. I don’t condone or promote atheism. Nevertheless I’ve gleaned stuff from Matty and the bands music that I think helps, supports me and make me feel warm.  Toodles.


Hot dog this post is a graphic designers worst nightmare