Thinking of quitting my job. No I’m not just thinking about it I really got to make a decision.

It’s hard for me to go back to my job each and every day.  I really don’t want to continue living this way. Its been hard  for me and I really need to rest.  like have a break. The only reason I go back is because of uncertainty not knowing if leaving will put me in bad position.. But then again I know I’m not necessarily performing great so..


Prayers.Income. Direction.

Please pray I will discover the an income source right for me. I am thinking  to take some courses at a community college to gain skills that could perhaps aid in creative endeavors but I cant help but wonder..some of the courses in the Associates ( graphic design) I can’t help but wonder if they are something necessary for me to do.. but

Proverbs 14:23
In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.

nevertheless I don’t want to waste time and energy,  if whereas my focus and energy could be better put to use somewhere else. Where that is *shrugs” I guess I need to pray with faith.. bottom line at this point in my life I need a career or income source to support myself and its important to help others with money I get.

Being full time student could make it harder to find a full time job in addition, juggling a full time job and full time school could throw my life balance off kilter and I’ve been  counseled to live a balanced life, a pace centered life, at the same time I am 30 years old. I don’t want to spend more time in school if I don’t have to . If I take full time course I could be done by this time next year or sooner. Taking the online courses the community college with courses that must be taken physically at the school may be less stressful than having to go down physically to the school.

I may have some financial aid in form of scholarships or grants, I am in a lot of debt from taking courses in classes, getting degrees I probably shouldn’t have taken or earned. Now I’m in a lot of debt. A lot. And if I take these courses full time I may have to get into more debt not as much but its still adds up.

To top it off I’m not crazy about graphic design, I like music production and video, I do like it a  bit though.  I don’t like the idea of working for a advertising agency or graphic design company. Maybe this sounds selfish but if you are going to be paid to do create someone elses design or vision not yours, can it still be fun or enjoyable? But perhaps somehow I feel the skills learned in the courses in this degree could help me do something else perhaps that would not require having to work for someone..perhaps I could publish my own stuff or something. Perhaps could do the certificate (less courses) but I am not sure if I can get financial aid for that..

Also due to some reasons I have not decided to pursue degree in music production. In addition it could be learned on my own.. Of course Graphic design could be learned on my own but I guess where I am in my life there may be an open door right now to take courses at the local community college and perhaps He may be approving me to do that. The question now i full time or part time.. If full time one more online course

In addition, I could uses this skills  to freelance graphic design ( Not what I want to do .. ) though but maybe I might have to due that for time until I  pave a path or be able to dow what I want…?

A big issue for me is perfectionism and wanting to be “great” at music production or video editing with the first content creations I make. In addition, other issues or circumstances I currently face, pressure and perhaps anxiety. #thatlifebalancethough

Any advice concerning my predicament would be helpful.


So recently I got terminated. It hurts, I feel my identity was affected; I feel kind of stupid and dumb. The catcher is that this is kind of like the second time this year for similar or same reason. Needless to say I have to get to the root of this issue. I was told in a dream by one of my brothers the reason was “Terror” that I should study something ( Genesis 1-3?) . I think he also  said something  laughing that I was scared of robots ( sometimes dreams don’t always make sense). I think  if I study that perhaps I could free from “terror”. (seems like what my brother may have said or implied).

Both times its because of not really successfully completing the training process. Making mistakes. It’s like people think I’m stupid. Unfortunately,  I was way to honest with my employers.. smh. When I made mistakes or was afraid that I did, I let them know. But then again its true there was a lot of fear. But to be honest, both jobs I didn’t feel were for me. This one I was informed also that the supervisor didn’t think I was a good fit for the team.

In addition , I read perhaps it could ADD or ADHD. I searched online for stories of other who were deemed slow learners and being fired for it, something like that.

I noticed in both jobs I seemed to project lack of confidence based on what those in charge of my training would convey.  Both jobs I wasn’t particularly comfortable but there was fear ( terror to be exact).

But, perhaps also since I did not really care for the jobs ,  I did not take them as seriously as I should eg ( studying outside of work making a concrete plan protocol for carrying out my work duties. ). I guess I felt at this job it wasn’t that hard, that within time I could completely pick it up and get comfortable with it.  Perhaps, if I had wrote things down in right good order, and tried to follow the same order time always, then maybe I could have learned faster.  Now that I think of it, it may have been  a culmination of other little things along with the bad time management and efficiency issue that may have resulted in my termination. They gave me the opportunity to resign in lieu of discharge but I did not choose that.

To top it off the stress  soo much . It was sooooo bad, I hate to think of what would have been if I had not been terminated. I really felt the effects smh,

Looking back, I feel it was not for me, perhaps this is an opportunity, ( I know its an opportunity) to do something else, and I should  honestly deal with what causing this terror issue. Perhaps too a regularly job like a 9-5 is not for me,

Uh ? !?

So I went to church this morning and after service I met with this other young lady who interestingly enough is in a similar position as I.

We are:

  1. Both 29
  2. Have pre-med background
  3. Went to Postgraduate school in a biological field ( though different area)
  4. Both like creative stuff like art( though maybe the art we like or like doing is different)

I was technically suppose to have done the mcat by now  and been applying to med school this year.

Here’t the thing: I don’t feel assured to go that path. However hearing her tell me today that she signed up for the mcat, stirred me up to do the same.  We talked about other stuff related to med school. We talked marriage and kids( we are both single) . I told her she may find her husband and med school. I told her about how I wasn’t set about going to med school. I feel for a career like this one should “count the cost” so to speak .I mean it’s just wisdom to really seek the Father about the matter. Diligently. and that’s what I should do. I mean personally I’v considered other things that I could do.

I wonder if she is rushing into going to med school. She told me some time before that  she likes art  and that her brother does too but its not something you can make money from (not true but I understand why she feels that way).  I wonder if there is something else she’d rather do.  I can’t help to think she may not be thinking this through. I guess a good thing to do would be to pray for her. Perhaps her going to med school or even an md/phd  may be the right thing for her; maybe she does want to be doctor.  I feel I’ve been advised ( serendipitously)  to do according to what this article says.

as concerning things I may want to do.

So yeah the thing is I was really feeling stirred to study for the mcat, to perhaps apply this year. It’s like I got caught up what she was doing. But am I suppose to study for mcat now? Anyway I should perhaps follow this wisdom here:

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to GodAnd the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

There are reasons why for why I’ve thought perhaps I should go into the medical field, perhaps even being a physician.  But despite  those things that may be proof that I should go into the medical field, I still feel maybe I could be doing other things. However,   I feel concerning the highest dream I have the motives may be off, may be wrong 😬