What am I going to do


with my hair?

Right now it is natural ( like 4c hair), but damaged. due to not regularly moisturizing or attending to it  to due other things  vying for my attention and concern.

Right now it’s either straighten it,  which I kind of want to do ( likely with a relaxer ..maybe natural one? or salon).

However, I feel like I was give like a mini vision, like a word of knowledge ( maybe from the Holy Spirit) that to me was advice that I should do a certain kind of dreads.  But inside I can barely fathom doing that… One reason, I do not want to do that is due to the fact that once you get them although it is possible to undread it is very difficult to do so, plus I like having the option available to do more than one kind of hairstyle that may not include dreads.  Mainly,  I really have penchant to at just have smooth hair tied down with one band. I’m not sure what I was shown is accurate.  Obviously I could try doing dread but ..like I just don’t see how I could want them.

One of the reasons Im really getting serious about doing something with my hair is that at my age I guess I have to think about possibly meeting a spouse , my hair needs to be on point so that I’m free to at least post pictures online without fear. Maybe God willing , someone might care to know me more if they saw a good picture of me online.  Also for endeavors I might pursue professionally.  Also this may also have to do with my self-esteem.

Fact is, I want to keep my hair looking neat and presentable, and  for it not to me be so hard or so much energy to maintain it that way.  Regularly maintaining my natural 4b or 4c  hair hasn’t been something I’ve  done well.   For more than ten years I’ve been in this state and my hair has not grown . I’ve failed to really give it the care and attention it would need to be nourished and grow..and I’m just tired I guess of the style. For sometime now I constantly wear a wigs. Why am I scared..

Any advice? I need discernment.  I guess I need to stand on the promises in the Bible concerning His guidance in my life and soak on that.




She didn’t want it.

That one act of rejection,  opened up pandora’s box. the question the realizations , the awareness of my actions and those around me , and the effect , the undercurrent that it is causing  these effects to occur.

On Mother’s day, I reluctantly handed  mom a mother’s day card. I perhaps signed it saying Happy mothers day. Earlier that morning I had debated whether I should give it to her without a gift, due to lack of preparation, forethought  and concern as I was preoccupied with or engaged with other things in my life. I had not gotten mothers day gift prior to the big day. I figured I could get her something later that same day after work.

I half scared said Happy’s mother’s day. She was like,”What is that?” I sais something like it  was like a card.

Long story short. She didn’t accept it. The day before that, she had talked about  how a neighboring family were going to go out twice that day to eat for mothers day. I guess she felt not respected and I could see how that would upset her. Her children, myself included did not really plan anything special for her. I guess in essence we sold her short.  We didn’t give her the best.our best.

I remember being held like in daze driving to work after the rejection. I thought of many things.

1. My birthday. I recently turned 30 in April. Thirty to me is a milestone birthday. Im not really young young per se. I sort of come closer and think about mortality and aging. It hasn’t been the easiest to deal with ( I know I should be grateful though … ). To make matters works though I didn’t celebrate it with friends. My brothers said a measly happy birthday and moved on with their lives They devoted perhaps 30 seconds no more no less to celebrating a rite of passage that was incredibly important to me. They didn’t give me perhaps what I was worth .  They didn’t; give me there best. They didn’t show I was worth it. Which leads to next point

2. Giving your best.  How could we have given our best to her? Obviously we could have giver her expensive gifts, money and taken her out to brunch. We could have honored her. We aren’t rich but with little planning and respect we could have done our best. But we didn’t we I guess our more thinking about concerned with out lives and “making it”.  Little did they know that working together perhaps we could have made it… Anyway GiIving your best relates to next point

3. Cain and Abel offering.

Genesis 4:3-7 ESV
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted?[b] And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to[c] you, but you must rule over it.”

If you are familiar with the story of Cain and Abel offering sacrifices to God you then know that Abel’s was accepted whilst Cains was not. From what I remember, one  learning lesson to get from it is apparently Abel gave his best, while Cain did not it. It’s like being given the best aged steak with fine wine, compared to giving some vegetables that were left over after dinner. You get the drift. I felt a little like I didn’t give my best  and my gift was not accepted which left me a bit unhappy. But then if I were honest, due to the lack of respect, acknowledgement time or devotion that my birthday got, I understood why she didn’t accept my card.

4. Reminds me of being hot or cold for Jesus ( Revelations 3:15-17). Perhaps it would have been better I had not given her a card, or that my brother’s just straight up ignored or refused to acknowledge my birthday then to have given a one line happy “obligatory” happy birthday to be nice  and “respectable” which to be honest really lacks respect honor and worth. Reminds me of book Culture of honor. I haven’t read it but perhaps the book may deal with similar issue?

I blame or moan about others lack of respect, I myself have done the same. Something needs to change inside.

As I learned recently in a small group meeting, giving is a heart matter. The widow and two mites. The woman pouring  and using expensive perfume on Jesus.

This also reminds me of the concept of”dead works” in scripture. ( which I don’t fully get but may have an idea of what it means).  Fervency, passion and zeal or signs of love, respect and honor. Without that you get coldness or half -baked, half hearted attempts at “love” ..and who wants that?

All in all it reminds me when we are doing something for someone perhaps the rule could be if you can’t do your best or give your all , don’t do it all? shrugs.   Who wants a half hearted attempt; it’s basically like trash, it lacks strength, and respect.