Fighting for my wellbeing..for life

So I’ve noticed…I’ve been taking jobs that aren’t fit for me…or at least I suck at pacing myself.

The issue is I kill myself trying to fulfill job expectations, even though it feels like Im dying trying to.

Today was my first full day of taking calls. I made mistakes. For sure. Also my calls were long. I was stumbling, flipping many times over my words. I was unsure of something and so that kind of was part of why the call was long. I had to get out of my seat and walk across the floor twice to ask questions.

The worst parts were the effect of my striving 1) ears and 2) my body was effected ( breathing). The program doesn’t really give much time to add notes. This job necessitates, constant multitasking.

But here’s the thing: I was counseled to slow down, and as I’ve researched over time what that entails doing.  Multitasking is not one of them.

My ears are ringing. I did notice at times when my ears were really sensitive.  Especially when I was waiting on hold to transfer a caller to another place, I could tell that listening to high  pitched sounds( from the hold music) that my ears were particularly sensitive to it.

To make things worse, I felt I could barely breathe, I’m trying so hard to meet their requirement or get up to their standard in a short time ( someone told those of us who are new only have perhaps about one week to stop using a setting that allows extra time to update notes) that I’m suffering. I could barely breathe, and was trying to catch my breath. At one point I felt my throat burn. This is  ri–diculous. Why do I allow myself to go through this? I guess I feel sort of helpless. They may not  be taking into account that growth takes time. Just look at nature and how plants grow with proper nutrition and environment they grow, but they dont usually grow up over night (there may be some plants are vines that do ? ) The fact is many things in nature as concerning growth take tiiiiiime.  It’s not an overnight thing.

I eventually or soon had to change the call setting to a status  usually used for bathroom breaks or emergencies that can be dealt with within 5 minutes, and went to the bathroom and attempt do take a break ( I did end up using the restroom anyway) neither that nor the 15 minute I took later was sufficient for the huge distress , toil and hardship my body worked to endure. I ended up leaving an hour later ( that one was partly my fault, had I dealt with the call an alternate way perhaps I could have left only thirty minutes later ?)

My mother told me I should just quit the job, that how can I be at a job that could cause permanent damage to my ear. She said if it was her she would leave.  I mean I guess Im scared or worried about the fact that I have expenses that needs to be paid just like most of everyone.  She says I should trust God but…well perhaps I just don’t have faith or am not adding works to my faith for anything to work or help.

I perhaps caused this in that I should’ve have told them early on. I should’ve have seen the issue that could have arose. I could have at least tried to get a dr. note  that could have helped move me to section where I just process applications mostly and have to call out sometimes ( compared to my position where I take calls most of the day).

But part of me was concerned about being honest, in that they would think of letting me go.  At a former job I was kind of honest like about things I didn’t understand or made mistakes about and that was perhaps part of why I was fired.  So I didn’t want to repeat that. Nevertheless, if I was completely honest I was acting like OCD or overly scrupulous with the last job I had. There was a lot of fear; I dont have a diagnosis of OCD , anxiety or anything like that to have given them about me though.

Anyway, I feel perhaps I’m not respecting or treasuring myself by continuing in a job like this. Or acting like I have worth? (Sorry to be honest for many people certain job positions are deemed respectable while other people look down on them, I’m not saying its ok) ..but this is mainly about respecting and loving myself enough to leave and to have faith that if I jump….)

Also if working this job,  it’s killing me to meet their supposed requirements, then common sense says I should do whats best for me in this case. ( btw just a disclaimer Im not sure the time period for which I should get up to their standard, but as I said before someone told me a week, after that they will start letting you know you what they want) Perhaps there are people that can take on a job like this; I’m likely not one of them. Part of me feels that the company or supervisors wanting the agents to meet their stringent ( imo) requirements, is not respecting people or the natural cycle or nature of person. To force them to work constantly and multitask like this is not how we are I was created to function. It’s like your’e not respecting the person is human being who needs periods of rest or lulls to refuel to thrive.  Again perhaps some other people can take this. for where I am now as a person with my unique struggles, knowledge and energy, it looks like this not what I can do at least for now..

Then again I guess society expects people to work constantly in their full time jobs. The fact of the matter is people are not constantly working anyway. At their office jobs we’ve all heard or are that person themselves who takes breaks or doesn’t  overwork themselves at work in the sense that they may for example surf the web, watch videos, be on  heir phone during  work time when they “expected” to being productive.  Little did they  know that’s probably why some or many are even able to get through an 8 hour work day and produce something of worth. Now I’m not saying that is for all jobs. Obviously not all jobs can one do that. In addition, if someone really loves their job maybe they don’t use company time for personal pleasure.  Unfortunately part of me worries about me being caught  not working when I should be…🤔

Anyway long story short, I guess I need to gather the courage and faith to leave. Please I’d appreciate your your prayers and counsel.  I could get a doctor’s note and see if they could transfer to the other section. But I see potential issues with that also, but none as horrible as permanent damage to my hearing.

Oh and there’s the medical insurance conundrum..

Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual.


A lot going on..

So, recently I had the audacity to get a job at a call center.   Here is the issue:

I was working a part time in a position that perhaps was not fit for me. There were times it seems I should have gone to the hospital. I think I stressed myself out and sucked at pacing myself. In the end I thought this might be an ok job maybe even fun. But doing it for these many months, this was not something I wanted to keep doing ( that is an understatement) . I was drowning, I took whatever lifeboat I could get to not sink.

Through a temp agency I was interviewed and offered the position. I took it, without thinking thoroughly about what the job could entail: using headphones for an extended period of time like nearly 6-8 hours.  Now delving deeper,  the issue is  that I currently have tinnitus and its probable it was caused in part due to listening to music high volume on headphones.  In hindsight I think I bought terrible headphones. I remember wanting the bass to be louder or more bombastic; I would increase the volume loud and maybe also as a result of not thinking I could hear the midrange. ( case in point if you use headphones get good ones, even if they cost more.)

I have nearly quit using headphones as a result. Now I talked to an ENT about using headphones. She informed me I could use headphones as long as it’s kept at a good volume something like that.  However I’ve never discussed with her working at call center full time.

I learned from an online search that an issue with call centers can be as a result of  loud noise , the agent increasing the volume to hear the caller. Thankfully I am in corner office albeit with another inbound agent, nevertheless, I dont expect it to be loud in there.

Nevertheless , during shadowing other agents, I did notice my ears being effected. My left ear vibrates. And I remember one day in particular, it going of the wall. However if I am to be on my own, I  can try to put it on a low volume.

The other thing that is annoying is the random call picks from quality insurance that will be judged every month. It’s  little nerve-racking, nevertheless I guess it keeps us accountable..

All in all I don’t want to continue doing this job but due to mounting financial pressures and the other job I had before,  I took this position without wondering how this could affect my hearing.

Currently looking  for other jobs, but I feel they aren’t for me. Perhaps maybe my view of full time work or jobs has to change or maybe I just want something honestly that I like.

Oh and then on the home life front smh maybe I do need to get my own place living on my own.


Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual.

5 Things I didn’t like about this concert..beware

I paid for a ticket where you have to stand up and if you get there early you can be front row so to speak. The reality is I didn’t get to the exact front and I experienced so much more..

yes at least I got the opportunity to see them live. They did to my knowledge play the songs I really wanted them to play. I met and talked with other fans. SO I am grateful for that  but I also have to acknowledge I paid for most of this other things..


I paid more than $100 for General Admission ticket to see a band to be

1 Squished like a sardine

Here is the thing,   though maybe that statement is an exaggeration, the fact of the matter is , it was not great or “comfortable”   how were packed in. I am fortunate, blessed that I am tall so I can see the stage or band  even though I am some yards into the crowd though.. But for real , it was difficult to be able to just lay your hands down to your side. and then you were kind of stuck in one place for like an hour and half before the show started. To top it off I went alone. I was not the only one that went alone though.

 2 Dehydrate myself

I didn’t see how how I could use the restroom  while in the center, without potentially losing my spot. The spot I waited so long to get in the first place. To top it of technically we weren’t suppose to bring drinks . Though there seemed to be of course a concession store in there.

3 Suffer Lower backpain having to stand for hours 

Again,  doors opened at 6:30 pm , show started at 8pm, the band didn’t even come out until 9 pm. yes, I have to be honest I was kind of like is this how a band treats its fans?  I may have actually came like at around 5pm.  So I had been standing for outside, but I had no idea the discomfort and burning pain that would await me as I stood there

4. Suffer having to hear loud music

Well I guess the onus is on me here. I chose to go there despite wanting to protect my hearing..I didn’t realize that not only was some of the music ( like  the bass guitars)  is loud, but  the shouts from other fans there. I did eventually put some ear plugs in though not sure if I put them in right but..yeah please protect you ears from hearing damage and for the love of God do not take that statement lightly. The medical community at large sites tinnitus as a permanent condition. (though I want to believe with faith in God it can be healed.

5 Barely hear the singer as fans surrounding me are singing along

To be honest I sang a bit, but I think I would have rather not and I guess I wanted to “fit in”

So with that being said

Again it was great opportunity to see a band , but boy did I get a uncomfortable  learning experience too.

It probably would have been smarter to have just paid for seat.. I didn’t know how the center looked like or how far the seats would be  or if I could have seen the singers from the seats. I am not sure.. Plus there is always this hope dream that you could see the singer especially if its a guy you like admire..perhaps eye contact..or yeah you get the gist ( don’t get any crude idea though-I don’t do hookups)

So of course I pay for General Admission tickets. Um you know , now thinking back on it, I didn’t really wonder or speculate how attending a concert that way would be. Now I know.

I’ve probably only attended two or three other “concerts”.  I’ve actually seen bands perform but it was like at school and it was more low key atmosphere.  There were seats, and perhaps tables I think.

I’ve literally paid to see a concert 2x.  the previous one was only like about $25 . and although I had to stand up , it wasn’t cramped.  I arrived  went to the area in front of the stage but there were plenty of people there already. There was balcony area to stand also. I went up there with my mom, boy was that a better choice. I could see the artist really well and was even able to record video from there. Plus it wasn’t cramped.

Perhaps concerts where the singers just sing track after track is not for me…Sure they talked some  ..but   this last concert. I felt like it was a bit rushed. and the front man..I was not really liking his vibe..if at all there was any there.. I mean I liked one song how he performed perhaps I like the vibe he gave for that one but the rest..( it was like few months back, I don’t remember all the details now.

Also this dude, like literally smoked a cigarette on stage…like I felt why is he doing that?  like he didn’t smoke it for long then he dropped or threw it down in the stage and stomped on it.  I…? Not imo.



(Above picture is not actual picture of concert I went to, but it’s kind of close to how it was.)