Job search workshop


So I recently had to go to a workshop as part of my obligation to continue to receive unemployment benefits. I thought it might be boring, routine kind of event. And honestly did not expect too much from it, other than probably what I was use to hearing and probably already knew. Pretty much to my knowledge everyone there was in a similar boat.

I was wrong.

It was for the most part fun. I learned and experienced different people, and their personalities, hearing their stories. The trainer was a bit entertaining.  I had so much fun and enjoyed myself.  I of course learned a lot too. I took notes and I guess I should try to consolidate what I learned. I learned about the “hidden job market” I never knew it existed.  Interestingly, enough there was a person there who had worked in hr and she told her side of the story,  like how it is to be in the shoes of the employer , responding with explanations for why employers may have acted some sort of way that those there did not like.

So for sure it was helpful and valuable. Yet,  if I were to be honest, do I really want to work for an employer again?  A workshop on how I could be my own boss, that perhaps I would have been more privy too. This workshop was geared towards obtaining employment with an employer.

Interesting thing that was asked by the trainer to the class , was -Do you have a plan?-Many people raised their hand. He may have asked too if the plan was written down. Thinking back I couldn’t say I have a concrete plan.


I need to get more clear on what it is I am looking for or will fit who I am , and then go for it. I should really write out a plan. I’ve thought about many things to do but perhaps I need to concentrate on few things, or even one or two things, and use my energy right.

I’ve shared some of what I think I may be good at or can do. To  be honest what’s left is to try it out, practice and put out content. What’s been holding me back? I feel I need to get more serious  and aware about working to get out of the situations I’m in that bothers me.

Sources ( and Resources) that you may find helpful
Essentialism- Greg Mckeown
48 Days to the Work You Love: Preparing for the New Normal – Dan Miller

Pictures from Pixabay

Ugh. I missed the Solar Eclipse.

I remember hearing about the solar eclipse I guess via social media. I didn’t make much of it, since like every year or every couple of months, news breaks about some sort of astronomical event taking place. Every year.  I guess  several of the events are unique… but whats really sad is this. I had opportunity to use use one of the glasses and view it but didn’t.  Why. Fear. I guess one of the main ones was fear of rejection. Ever since I was little and insulted and made fun  of, I guess I haven’t recovered.  Perhaps I was scared to “bother” people.

I wasn’t going to really make much of this event because of the seeming regularity of astronomical events that occur.


What sucked about this one was the need to wear special glasses.. I don’t remember hearing about that for the other astronomical events.  And then my God, the media hype for this events of magnanimous proportions. Of course most of us know about how stores had been sold out of this special glasses that need to be worn if you want to see the solar eclipse and not incur damage to your eyes.

When I was waiting for an interview at a bench,  one guy offered his special glasses to another guy to view as he and I guess his friend were walking opposite of the guy. I sort of looked at the guys, hoping to use one.

The fact is I could have asked people who had the glasses to use it and perhaps they would have let me use theirs. I wish though someone would have just offered to let me see. As i was just sitting on bench waiting for an interview somewhere.

It was awful, heck frightening that I could sit down there and in front of me a lady is shouting whoa oo ahh.. and I about lost it there. I was jealous. anyway.   It just sucked because it shouldn’t have been so hard, and I would’ve liked to have taken the opportunity to witness this special event.

I attempted to “see” with my naked eyes for less than a second, a few times.  I realized that that probably wasn’t  a fruitful idea.

In the end it was my fault for not being prepared and I should have just took courage   but I didn’t.


Hopefully the disappointment and anger from this will fade away.  Apparently the next one is in 2024…

Well where I am there wasn’t a total eclipse. The point in time when it was supposed to be the most eclipsed where I was, I think the sun was blocked by cloud(s)…anyway.


The last perhaps unique astronomical event I remember seeing, had to do with shooting stars, I did get to see ( probably two or more whiz across the night sky ) that for which I am grateful. And I didn’t need use special glasses.

Btw I am not trying to complain or condone complaining, I am just using this as avenue to share some of what I go through.

Photos source: Pixabay

What to do now


Sooooooo I am trying to figure out what kind of of job would be suitable for me. A job  that fits my personality, background, and spirit.  I have ideas of what that could be ( its creative related) however at this moment I’m not well practiced in those areas. Or I could just collaborate with others that are stronger in the areas in which I am weak.

I’ve applied to jobs in the field ( biology) but I’m not really interested in working as a lab tech.

I really wanted to do music production. .. for some reason I am not able to get a plan routine to learn skills needed to produce music. Or perhaps I am narrow minded in that it has to be done “this was” ( I want to learn music theory first, learn some instruments or at least one instrument for now) but at the same time I feel pressure to get income as soon as possible. It’d be great to get paid for producing original songs, but my experience ( music production wise) is fairly limited.  Perhaps I need to be realistic of what I could do now..

Yes, I could work with a producer but I am heavily influenced or inspired to be like Adam Young who produces most of his songs. Perhaps though if I did deeper its an ego thing. To want to be able to know that a piece of art or incredible awe inspiring moving song came from me.. OR of course I could just for now get a producer and then later on could work on producing myself. :/  Of course getting a producer to work on some music for you costs money. But obviously a well produced ep or album would be worth it..

To be honest I want to learn to do a lot of things by myself eg. videos, art pieces using adobe software and of course music production, perhaps with my vocals. Maybe I guess because I have different things I’d like to do that it feels difficult to know where to start. Also other things that or on my mind and situations I’m in.

I think there maybe also be psychological blocks  and or as they say “self-limiting beliefs” to why I haven’t been able to progress in my learning the things I want to.  People can learn to produce music on their own, or to use photoshop on their own.With books, the internets and even other people one could learn without having even go to school. But for some reason..

I should pray for clarity concerning what to do now.


Prayers.Income. Direction.

Please pray I will discover the an income source right for me. I am thinking  to take some courses at a community college to gain skills that could perhaps aid in creative endeavors but I cant help but wonder..some of the courses in the Associates ( graphic design) I can’t help but wonder if they are something necessary for me to do.. but

Proverbs 14:23
In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.

nevertheless I don’t want to waste time and energy,  if whereas my focus and energy could be better put to use somewhere else. Where that is *shrugs” I guess I need to pray with faith.. bottom line at this point in my life I need a career or income source to support myself and its important to help others with money I get.

Being full time student could make it harder to find a full time job in addition, juggling a full time job and full time school could throw my life balance off kilter and I’ve been  counseled to live a balanced life, a pace centered life, at the same time I am 30 years old. I don’t want to spend more time in school if I don’t have to . If I take full time course I could be done by this time next year or sooner. Taking the online courses the community college with courses that must be taken physically at the school may be less stressful than having to go down physically to the school.

I may have some financial aid in form of scholarships or grants, I am in a lot of debt from taking courses in classes, getting degrees I probably shouldn’t have taken or earned. Now I’m in a lot of debt. A lot. And if I take these courses full time I may have to get into more debt not as much but its still adds up.

To top it off I’m not crazy about graphic design, I like music production and video, I do like it a  bit though.  I don’t like the idea of working for a advertising agency or graphic design company. Maybe this sounds selfish but if you are going to be paid to do create someone elses design or vision not yours, can it still be fun or enjoyable? But perhaps somehow I feel the skills learned in the courses in this degree could help me do something else perhaps that would not require having to work for someone..perhaps I could publish my own stuff or something. Perhaps could do the certificate (less courses) but I am not sure if I can get financial aid for that..

Also due to some reasons I have not decided to pursue degree in music production. In addition it could be learned on my own.. Of course Graphic design could be learned on my own but I guess where I am in my life there may be an open door right now to take courses at the local community college and perhaps He may be approving me to do that. The question now i full time or part time.. If full time one more online course

In addition, I could uses this skills  to freelance graphic design ( Not what I want to do .. ) though but maybe I might have to due that for time until I  pave a path or be able to dow what I want…?

A big issue for me is perfectionism and wanting to be “great” at music production or video editing with the first content creations I make. In addition, other issues or circumstances I currently face, pressure and perhaps anxiety. #thatlifebalancethough

Any advice concerning my predicament would be helpful.


So recently I got terminated. It hurts, I feel my identity was affected; I feel kind of stupid and dumb. The catcher is that this is kind of like the second time this year for similar or same reason. Needless to say I have to get to the root of this issue. I was told in a dream by one of my brothers the reason was “Terror” that I should study something ( Genesis 1-3?) . I think he also  said something  laughing that I was scared of robots ( sometimes dreams don’t always make sense). I think  if I study that perhaps I could free from “terror”. (seems like what my brother may have said or implied).

Both times its because of not really successfully completing the training process. Making mistakes. It’s like people think I’m stupid. Unfortunately,  I was way to honest with my employers.. smh. When I made mistakes or was afraid that I did, I let them know. But then again its true there was a lot of fear. But to be honest, both jobs I didn’t feel were for me. This one I was informed also that the supervisor didn’t think I was a good fit for the team.

In addition , I read perhaps it could ADD or ADHD. I searched online for stories of other who were deemed slow learners and being fired for it, something like that.

I noticed in both jobs I seemed to project lack of confidence based on what those in charge of my training would convey.  Both jobs I wasn’t particularly comfortable but there was fear ( terror to be exact).

But, perhaps also since I did not really care for the jobs ,  I did not take them as seriously as I should eg ( studying outside of work making a concrete plan protocol for carrying out my work duties. ). I guess I felt at this job it wasn’t that hard, that within time I could completely pick it up and get comfortable with it.  Perhaps, if I had wrote things down in right good order, and tried to follow the same order time always, then maybe I could have learned faster.  Now that I think of it, it may have been  a culmination of other little things along with the bad time management and efficiency issue that may have resulted in my termination. They gave me the opportunity to resign in lieu of discharge but I did not choose that.

To top it off the stress  soo much . It was sooooo bad, I hate to think of what would have been if I had not been terminated. I really felt the effects smh,

Looking back, I feel it was not for me, perhaps this is an opportunity, ( I know its an opportunity) to do something else, and I should  honestly deal with what causing this terror issue. Perhaps too a regularly job like a 9-5 is not for me,

She didn’t want it.

That one act of rejection,  opened up pandora’s box. the question the realizations , the awareness of my actions and those around me , and the effect , the undercurrent that it is causing  these effects to occur.

On Mother’s day, I reluctantly handed  mom a mother’s day card. I perhaps signed it saying Happy mothers day. Earlier that morning I had debated whether I should give it to her without a gift, due to lack of preparation, forethought  and concern as I was preoccupied with or engaged with other things in my life. I had not gotten mothers day gift prior to the big day. I figured I could get her something later that same day after work.

I half scared said Happy’s mother’s day. She was like,”What is that?” I sais something like it  was like a card.

Long story short. She didn’t accept it. The day before that, she had talked about  how a neighboring family were going to go out twice that day to eat for mothers day. I guess she felt not respected and I could see how that would upset her. Her children, myself included did not really plan anything special for her. I guess in essence we sold her short.  We didn’t give her the best.our best.

I remember being held like in daze driving to work after the rejection. I thought of many things.

1. My birthday. I recently turned 30 in April. Thirty to me is a milestone birthday. Im not really young young per se. I sort of come closer and think about mortality and aging. It hasn’t been the easiest to deal with ( I know I should be grateful though … ). To make matters works though I didn’t celebrate it with friends. My brothers said a measly happy birthday and moved on with their lives They devoted perhaps 30 seconds no more no less to celebrating a rite of passage that was incredibly important to me. They didn’t give me perhaps what I was worth .  They didn’t; give me there best. They didn’t show I was worth it. Which leads to next point

2. Giving your best.  How could we have given our best to her? Obviously we could have giver her expensive gifts, money and taken her out to brunch. We could have honored her. We aren’t rich but with little planning and respect we could have done our best. But we didn’t we I guess our more thinking about concerned with out lives and “making it”.  Little did they know that working together perhaps we could have made it… Anyway GiIving your best relates to next point

3. Cain and Abel offering.

Genesis 4:3-7 ESV
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted?[b] And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to[c] you, but you must rule over it.”

If you are familiar with the story of Cain and Abel offering sacrifices to God you then know that Abel’s was accepted whilst Cains was not. From what I remember, one  learning lesson to get from it is apparently Abel gave his best, while Cain did not it. It’s like being given the best aged steak with fine wine, compared to giving some vegetables that were left over after dinner. You get the drift. I felt a little like I didn’t give my best  and my gift was not accepted which left me a bit unhappy. But then if I were honest, due to the lack of respect, acknowledgement time or devotion that my birthday got, I understood why she didn’t accept my card.

4. Reminds me of being hot or cold for Jesus ( Revelations 3:15-17). Perhaps it would have been better I had not given her a card, or that my brother’s just straight up ignored or refused to acknowledge my birthday then to have given a one line happy “obligatory” happy birthday to be nice  and “respectable” which to be honest really lacks respect honor and worth. Reminds me of book Culture of honor. I haven’t read it but perhaps the book may deal with similar issue?

I blame or moan about others lack of respect, I myself have done the same. Something needs to change inside.

As I learned recently in a small group meeting, giving is a heart matter. The widow and two mites. The woman pouring  and using expensive perfume on Jesus.

This also reminds me of the concept of”dead works” in scripture. ( which I don’t fully get but may have an idea of what it means).  Fervency, passion and zeal or signs of love, respect and honor. Without that you get coldness or half -baked, half hearted attempts at “love” ..and who wants that?

All in all it reminds me when we are doing something for someone perhaps the rule could be if you can’t do your best or give your all , don’t do it all? shrugs.   Who wants a half hearted attempt; it’s basically like trash, it lacks strength, and respect.

I knew without a doubt he was the one…

So  saw a clip on youtube from the The Real Daytime..

and here Adrienne talks about how you know without a doubt, in your gut and with peace when someone is the one ( eg. and aka husband).

So I’m like for real..when have I ever felt that way about anything…
So as usual I go online looking for answers typing “I knew without a doubt he was the one” (with the quotes)

interestingly I came across some two comments on here
about how when they know someone was the one.. interestingly enough its when they are really enjoying being themselves…It’s like a moment.. they were singing to a song..they were dancing at a concert.

funny I did one of ten sketch thumbnails  about what love is for a valentines day assignment  and one of the thumbnails it was a couple dancing and they were  just the moment…its like time did not existence..they were just being..
so perhaps intuitively (and well I’ve watched and read a lot of stories about when people knew they were the one so maybe it came from that) that there may be truth to it.. experiencing moments like that when you know..  when you just know.

Update: I know that isn’t the one criteria or even a necessary criteria for finding a spouse, but it sure is a romantic and idealized look on love.